I was challenged today. For the first time, I was asked: Why boudoir? What is your Why?
After stumbling around for quite some time, and sending a bunch of meaningless words, I began to quickly realize I was stalling. I know what my Why is. But being able to open up about it and put it into words? It was too raw. Too real. I got anxiety, I got uncomfortable, and I felt out of my element… and then it hit me.
That exact feeling of panic and vulnerability? That’s exactly how every single one of my clients feels when they first reach out, then when they get on the phone during a phone call, and then again when they step foot into my studio. I ask my clients to drop their walls, bare it all, and let me in so we can fundamentally shift how they see themselves. Realizing that made me realize I need to practice what I preach. That is my Why.
If you don’t know me well yet, or even if you do, you should know that dropping my own walls is one of the hardest things I do. I can spill my guts blindly in a random Facebook group full of strangers, but standing here as the face of my business and admitting how broken I used to be is devastatingly hard. Over 17 years ago, I was in an extremely toxic relationship. Domestic violence, emotional torture, gaslighting, absolute control, narcissism, sexual abuse… I survived all of it with him.
When I finally escaped, shattered remnants of the once happy, confident, strong girl I had been were all around me and I had absolutely no idea how to put them back together. Was it even possible? How do I move on? Am I worth being loved? I’m ugly. Who could ever want me? I was a 22 year-old single mother with an infant, and I was alone. I was completely and utterly broken.
For the next six years, I jumped from toxic relationship to toxic relationship. I was desperately searching for someone else to fix me. I wanted someone to validate me and put the pieces back together so I wouldn’t feel so empty. Then, in early 2018, something finally clicked. I realized that the only person who was ever going to truly fix me… was me. That massive shift in self-awareness, and the absolute rush of power I felt when I took ownership of my own healing? That is my Why.
Boudoir is raw. It’s intimate. And it is incredibly healing. In the couple of hours I spend with a client, I watch a literal psychological shift happen in real-time. I see the terror and uncertainty when they first walk in (girl, if you’re sweating or shaking, I PROMISE you aren’t the only one.). Then I see the shock when I show them the back of the camera. The awe. The wonder. And finally, the realization.
They realize they are actually doing this. They are facing their fears, and they are stepping into a version of themselves they didn’t think they were allowed to be. They see themselves as real, perfectly imperfect, and completely whole. Giving a woman her voice back and watching her transform is my entire world.
To anyone reading this who is hurting, struggling, doubting herself, or feeling shattered: I see you. I hear you. I was you. Sometimes, I’m still you. I am, after all, just a girl.
And just like me, you are so much more than what you’ve been through. Getting in front of a camera is about taking back your autonomy, your body, and your narrative. When you are ready to take back control of your life and how you view yourself, your Fairy Nude Mother is right here.
Xo, S.
